Break Myself

I'm on fire

And the day is feeling hopeless

You'd see me burning

But the burning's turning smokeless

Soon I won't feel at all - No

It's electric 

The neon hurt inside your phone call

The layered sadness and her madness it revolves

Bringing down the walls where you found love - No

I'm willing to break myself

To shake this hell from everything I touch

I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays

So you don't hurt so much

Now I'm static

As your sky is turning purple and gray

I'm learning that the further that I crawl

The further that I fall - is that OK - No

And you're in pieces 

As your world becomes a rainstorm

You've got no shelter - I'm a thousand miles away

If you survive the day you say

Say you're leaving

You say your leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself

To shake this hell from everything I touch

I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays

So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again - will we fire this gun -

Never again - you're the only one

Never again - but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself

I'm not afraid

I'm willing to break myself

I'm not afraid

I'm willing to break myself

I'm not afraid

I'm willing to break myself

To shake this hell from everything I touch

I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays

So you don't hurt so much

So much

So much

So much

So much

Still waiting...

Life needs to stop being so damn complicated. I'm getting sick of it. Fake everything.
Apparently being "best friends" doesn't count for shit with anyone anymore. Why did I waste so much of my life with you two. I got nothing in return. Why in the fuck do I even bother anymore.... I don't get it.

Hold my head inside your hands

I need someone who understands 

I need someone, someone who hears

For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come

Until my day, my day is done

And say you'll come and set me free

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

I'm still waiting for that person...

The Surface Shines, While The Inside Rots.

"I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug" Yet another line running through my head recently. I miss her. I feel I did so much for her but she never really cared, for her to pass me off that easily?I'll never understand. Life needs to stop being so difficult. "Maybe we've outgrown all the things we once loved"

People need to let me be who I wanna be, I'm sick of faking things. I'm becoming, or rather I became, the thing I loathe which is to be something I'm not. In the search of trying to be different, to stand out, to not fit in, I became like a huge majority of people. One more mission failed. I don't even know who I am half the time. "The surface shines while the inside rots"

Even though I have a bunch of good friends, I never feel like I fit in with any of them. I guess with everything that has happened this year it makes sense. I wish things could change. "A show of hands from this audience of one..."

What I learned While On Vacation

1) When you're 1000 feet in the air, it is deathly quiet up there.
2) I am still able to fall asleep in the shower standing up.
3) No matter how much exposure to the sun I get, my burn will heal over night (because I'm a genius)
4) Silk boxers are absolutely worth $10 a pair.
5) Vanilla Coke is still the best beverage to date
6) Rapping with asians is a load of fun.. even at 1 in the morning.
7) Old man, just because you wear speedos at the beach does not mean it will blot out your pale, pale skin, your bald head, big stomach and pimp-walk to the ladies. As a matter of fact it makes people laugh at you.
8) Pigeons are the stupidest bird in the world
9) Jellyfish don't hurt as much as people think. Although I'm still getting random seconds of numbness and total uselessness in my hands, it isn't that bad considering how long it was tangled in there for.
10) USA has some of the worst drivers in the world
11) Dodge Journey is the worst vehicle for 5 people and luggage. My prayers go out to anyone above 5'5" tall who gets stuck in the back seat
12) I can infact get a tan
13) Trailer Park Boys is a great way to pass the time during a 14 hour car ride.
14) You're never too far away from friends
15) While on the serving table: If it smells bad and looks disgusting chances are it won't taste that good
16) Fat people will make fun of other fat people- even if they don't know them
17) Hottubs are heaven
18) I passed for 18 in America
19) Pale girls (and some tanned ones, might I add)  check out pale guys
20) There is no place like my mancave
21) The Nacho plate is Taco Bell's version of Jenga. If you pull the wrong chip out your hand gets covered in either tomato, sour cream, beans, meat, or a combination of everything

So...

I still can't believe this is happening. She's been ignoring me for days. I don't know why she is, I didn't do anything.. well I was too "logical" and not sympathetic enough. Whatever the heck that's supposed to mean, I was trying to be helpful. Nothing is making sense. What a great way to spend a vacation, pissed off and confused. Apparently I used to be the highlight of her day now I'm "bringing her down with these conversations so I'm not gonna talk to you tonight."I'm done with relationships, they never work out anyways. No one ever seems to be there for me when I absolutely need someone. Just seems to be my life. This living without feelings is sort of working though.

Recent opinions

"The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. 

On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, 

every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. 

Thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, 

every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every hero and coward, 

every creator and destroyer of civilization, 

every saint and sinner in the history of our species, 

think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, 

in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. 

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, 

the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, 

are challenged by this point of pale light, 

and underscores our responsibility and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot. "

This statement has been running through my mind a lot lately. Thinking about how stupid people are, thinking they are better than other people. It's true, we do imagine that we have self-importance. And we die anyways. Same as the people we think we're better than. We spill so much blood for what? A transitory victory, that when we die, is forgotten. There is no point to any of it.  

I'm saying this while going into the Army... that makes a lot of sense. Fighting in a war I don't really believe in, I don't even understand it. But it's something I think I'm called to do, after the daydreams/hallucinations stopped [which were basically about me getting killed... every. single. time.] I still want to do it. It's to prove something to myself and to send a big "f-you" to the people who said I was worthless, I could never do anything, and I should just go kill myself. I am going to make something of myself with this temporary life on the pale blue dot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DboMAghWcA&feature=av2e

Another night without sleep... oh how I love my life.

Good song to listen to while sleeping.
It's called Ruthless by Something Corporate.
I'd put what the meaning of the song is, but I'd rather leave it open for you to decide.

This is the only lonely picture

Waiting on my floor

Littering my shore

This is the last true burning letter

Given to a girl

Written by a boy

Living in a world created to destroy

But if I built you a city, would you let me?

Would you tear it down?

But there you go for the last time

I finally know now what I should have known then

And I could still be ruthless if you'll let me

But there you go and I'm not done

You're waving goodbye, well at least you're having fun

The rising tide will not let you forget me

Forget me

And this is your ghost that kneels before me

Razors on her tongue, a body full of oxygen

It wont be the last time she'll ignore me

The thinning of my skin, without the strength to go

The winter's setting in, to cover you in snow

But if I built you a city, would you let me?

Would you tear it down?

But there you go for the last time

I finally know now what I should have known then

And I could still be ruthless if you'll let me

But there you go and I'm not done

You're waving goodbye, well at least you're having fun

The rising tide will not let you forget me

Forget me

Forget me

Forget me, yeah

And Il'l raise towers and Climb them

Rivers and walk them

Oceans to drown in

You won't make a sound in

But there you go for the last time

I finally know now what I should have known then

And I could still be ruthless if you'll let me

But there you go and I'm not done

You're waving goodbye, well at least you're having fun

The rising tide will not let you forget me

Forget me