"Well this didn't last long, even by my standards."

I figure I have nothing to do this late at night, it's sorta nice writing stuff besides music. That gets to be a pain in the behind sometimes. On the positive side of music though, I found a song that really brought back strange memories... not necessarily good ones, cause people dying isn't fun. But everyone should give it a listen (This is his other band, Something Corporate). The writer Andrew McMahon wrote this and a series of other songs (Jack's Mannequin- Dear Jack EP) when he was in the hospital... he was diagnosed with Leukaemia yet survived.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edpopPEHBSI

Give me an answer 

Why this cancer eats me away 

How this restlessness 

Could turn into a day. 

I fear what comes first 

The things that hide in the night 

But I'm quaking, and shaking 

Even now that it's light 

And no I don't feel right 

I can see but I've lost my sight 

I'm high, so high 

Like Ben Franklin's Kite 

And maybe you'll find me 

On another lonely street 

By the smell of summer, 

after she rains 

Maybe you'll loose me 

All together in her heat 

Let this humid air 

Take away my pain 

And no I don't feel right 

I can see but I've lost my sight 

'cause I'm high, so high 

Like Ben Franklin's Kite 

Maybe you're weary 

You always stand so tall 

Maybe you, holier than thou 

Will make me crawl 

I don't claim to be better 

I don't think that you do 

But see I'm weak and incessinct 

My addictions the proof 

And no I don't feel right 

I can see but I've lost my sight 

because I'm high, so high 

Like Ben Franklin's Kite 

And maybe I'm crazy 

But lightning might strike me tonight 

And Maybe I'm crazy 

But lightning might strike me tonight

Sheesh, this is ridiculous.

This is probably gonna be my last post. Ever. I think it's better if no one sees inside my mind, then again if anyone actually did they would go blind...
I can't believe how much things have changed in me, in them, in everything.
"It's all messed up, but we're alive. It's all messed up but we'll, but we'll survive"
Last few days, people are going to think I'm crazy for this, my view of religion has changed. I can't but help but shake what I read in a quantum physics book: "Motion is an illusion." That at a certain time, everything is still because time and motion are related. So what if life is an illusion? What if what we think is happening really isn't? I may sound crazy, but that actually works when you think about it.
No, I do not believe in evolution, aliens, or that. I just don't understand it all too well. Mysteries will be solved one day I suppose.

I was in Toronto the other day, I was at the docks. Someone walked by wearing her perfume.. that was like a kick to the crotch considering she now lives in Toronto. I think the reason I can't believe it all happened is that she said how much she cared about me, how much I meant to her.. and I haven't said a word to her in more than a month. She didn't answers inboxes, texts, or even msn. So I gave up. Guess it's true what she said, "I don't talk to my exes.. but there are a few exceptions." I wasn't one of those even though officially we weren't together.

On the plus side I'm sorta talking to those people again. I'm going to have to see where that leads me. I'm not hiding this anymore, I'm just gonna say it... if arguing starts up again I don't think I can take it too much. My stress levels are already through the roof. I'm really looking forward to that 2 month vacation.

I wrote a few songs this month, eventually the music will follow with them... yet I don't really see the point since I can't play in front of people; Damn you nerves.

Farewell blog.
Sunday, September 19th, 6:56 PM 2010

A great love is a lot like a good memory. When it’s there, and you know it’s there but it’s just out of your reach; it can be all you think about. You can focus on it and try to force it,  but the more you do the more you seem to push it away. But if you’re patient, and you hold still; Maybe, just maybe it’ll come to you.

As we were, so perfect, so happy.

Don't remember, only your smiles 'cause that's all they've seen.

Long since dried, when we are found, are the tears in which we had drowned.

As we were, so perfect, so happy.

This is about you. No mysteries, you know who you are.

I know you care about what people think, we've been over that. But I don't understand how this summer it changed from us being best friends to this. I knew you cared that my brother thought we were in a relationship, but now we can't even like, have a conversation or anything?  Hell, I miss when you were hurting over that boy because then I was able to call and help you through it.

You apologized four days ago that you treated me like shit, and you knew you did. Now you don't and haven't? That makes so little sense to me. I don't want to fight with you, God knows would do everything and anything for you... except pretending we aren't friends is beyond my limits. I'm not taking shots at you, trying to get you angry, or any of that. I'm just trying to explain.

The reason I act different is because I don't want people thinking I'm weak, that would be grade nine first semester all over again. You don't know what that's like. It's not that I care what people think, it's the change that comes with that. Do you know what it's like losing all, ALL, of your friends? Being told that a video game is more important then hanging out with people you haven't seen in two months? That you're too fucked up to be friends with? I highly doubt it.

I'm not perfect, far from it, but I've been as real to you as I possibly can be, I've never broken your trust, and I'm certainly tried never to hurt you. I still want you as a friend, I do in fact love you despite what you think. I just want things the way they used to be. I want my life to be way it used to be. I guess some things just can't happen. I'm thinking, if next weekend is the same as this past one, I might just do all the weed and beer I was offered. Nothing else is working to try getting through all this shit.

Dear Lord, For once in my life can something actually turn out right?

Why should I turn now I've nothing to learn from you

I always knew I was better on my own 

I look forward to looking back this way

maybe then I'll see how good things are today

there's no room for

more excuses

to get away

Give me a reason to come back for

Ill be right with you if ya

Give me a reason to come back for

And Ill be right with you

I love how they'll never know this is for them. They'll never know what they've done.

I am now finished with it. This emotion called "love" has passed from me now.

Emptiness can be great sometimes, it helps me get over everything. I'm not coming back for either of you; Unless you actually PROVE I was worth something to you, you'll never even understand this anyways. It's 167 days till I leave, I'm not coming back.

You brought this on yourselves, God have mercy on you. I don't think I can or will anymore.