"Well this didn't last long, even by my standards."

I figure I have nothing to do this late at night, it's sorta nice writing stuff besides music. That gets to be a pain in the behind sometimes. On the positive side of music though, I found a song that really brought back strange memories... not necessarily good ones, cause people dying isn't fun. But everyone should give it a listen (This is his other band, Something Corporate). The writer Andrew McMahon wrote this and a series of other songs (Jack's Mannequin- Dear Jack EP) when he was in the hospital... he was diagnosed with Leukaemia yet survived.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edpopPEHBSI

Give me an answer 

Why this cancer eats me away 

How this restlessness 

Could turn into a day. 

I fear what comes first 

The things that hide in the night 

But I'm quaking, and shaking 

Even now that it's light 

And no I don't feel right 

I can see but I've lost my sight 

I'm high, so high 

Like Ben Franklin's Kite 

And maybe you'll find me 

On another lonely street 

By the smell of summer, 

after she rains 

Maybe you'll loose me 

All together in her heat 

Let this humid air 

Take away my pain 

And no I don't feel right 

I can see but I've lost my sight 

'cause I'm high, so high 

Like Ben Franklin's Kite 

Maybe you're weary 

You always stand so tall 

Maybe you, holier than thou 

Will make me crawl 

I don't claim to be better 

I don't think that you do 

But see I'm weak and incessinct 

My addictions the proof 

And no I don't feel right 

I can see but I've lost my sight 

because I'm high, so high 

Like Ben Franklin's Kite 

And maybe I'm crazy 

But lightning might strike me tonight 

And Maybe I'm crazy 

But lightning might strike me tonight

Sheesh, this is ridiculous.

This is probably gonna be my last post. Ever. I think it's better if no one sees inside my mind, then again if anyone actually did they would go blind...
I can't believe how much things have changed in me, in them, in everything.
"It's all messed up, but we're alive. It's all messed up but we'll, but we'll survive"
Last few days, people are going to think I'm crazy for this, my view of religion has changed. I can't but help but shake what I read in a quantum physics book: "Motion is an illusion." That at a certain time, everything is still because time and motion are related. So what if life is an illusion? What if what we think is happening really isn't? I may sound crazy, but that actually works when you think about it.
No, I do not believe in evolution, aliens, or that. I just don't understand it all too well. Mysteries will be solved one day I suppose.

I was in Toronto the other day, I was at the docks. Someone walked by wearing her perfume.. that was like a kick to the crotch considering she now lives in Toronto. I think the reason I can't believe it all happened is that she said how much she cared about me, how much I meant to her.. and I haven't said a word to her in more than a month. She didn't answers inboxes, texts, or even msn. So I gave up. Guess it's true what she said, "I don't talk to my exes.. but there are a few exceptions." I wasn't one of those even though officially we weren't together.

On the plus side I'm sorta talking to those people again. I'm going to have to see where that leads me. I'm not hiding this anymore, I'm just gonna say it... if arguing starts up again I don't think I can take it too much. My stress levels are already through the roof. I'm really looking forward to that 2 month vacation.

I wrote a few songs this month, eventually the music will follow with them... yet I don't really see the point since I can't play in front of people; Damn you nerves.

Farewell blog.
Sunday, September 19th, 6:56 PM 2010

A great love is a lot like a good memory. When it’s there, and you know it’s there but it’s just out of your reach; it can be all you think about. You can focus on it and try to force it,  but the more you do the more you seem to push it away. But if you’re patient, and you hold still; Maybe, just maybe it’ll come to you.

As we were, so perfect, so happy.

Don't remember, only your smiles 'cause that's all they've seen.

Long since dried, when we are found, are the tears in which we had drowned.

As we were, so perfect, so happy.

This is about you. No mysteries, you know who you are.

I know you care about what people think, we've been over that. But I don't understand how this summer it changed from us being best friends to this. I knew you cared that my brother thought we were in a relationship, but now we can't even like, have a conversation or anything?  Hell, I miss when you were hurting over that boy because then I was able to call and help you through it.

You apologized four days ago that you treated me like shit, and you knew you did. Now you don't and haven't? That makes so little sense to me. I don't want to fight with you, God knows would do everything and anything for you... except pretending we aren't friends is beyond my limits. I'm not taking shots at you, trying to get you angry, or any of that. I'm just trying to explain.

The reason I act different is because I don't want people thinking I'm weak, that would be grade nine first semester all over again. You don't know what that's like. It's not that I care what people think, it's the change that comes with that. Do you know what it's like losing all, ALL, of your friends? Being told that a video game is more important then hanging out with people you haven't seen in two months? That you're too fucked up to be friends with? I highly doubt it.

I'm not perfect, far from it, but I've been as real to you as I possibly can be, I've never broken your trust, and I'm certainly tried never to hurt you. I still want you as a friend, I do in fact love you despite what you think. I just want things the way they used to be. I want my life to be way it used to be. I guess some things just can't happen. I'm thinking, if next weekend is the same as this past one, I might just do all the weed and beer I was offered. Nothing else is working to try getting through all this shit.

Dear Lord, For once in my life can something actually turn out right?

Why should I turn now I've nothing to learn from you

I always knew I was better on my own 

I look forward to looking back this way

maybe then I'll see how good things are today

there's no room for

more excuses

to get away

Give me a reason to come back for

Ill be right with you if ya

Give me a reason to come back for

And Ill be right with you

I love how they'll never know this is for them. They'll never know what they've done.

I am now finished with it. This emotion called "love" has passed from me now.

Emptiness can be great sometimes, it helps me get over everything. I'm not coming back for either of you; Unless you actually PROVE I was worth something to you, you'll never even understand this anyways. It's 167 days till I leave, I'm not coming back.

You brought this on yourselves, God have mercy on you. I don't think I can or will anymore.

Superman is Dead.

Things should get better, I'd like that.

Do you worry that you're not liked 

How long till you break 

You're happy cause you smile 

But how much can you fake 

An ordinary boy an ordinary name 

But ordinary's just not good enough today 

Alone I'm thinking 

Why is superman dead 

Is it in my head 

We'll just laugh instead 

You worry about the weather and 

Whether or not you should hate 

Now you're worried about your faith 

Kneel down and obey 

You're happy you're in love 

You need someone to hate 

An ordinary girl an ordinary waste 

But ordinary's just not good enough today 

Doesn't anybody ever know that the 

World's a subway... 

Break Myself

I'm on fire

And the day is feeling hopeless

You'd see me burning

But the burning's turning smokeless

Soon I won't feel at all - No

It's electric 

The neon hurt inside your phone call

The layered sadness and her madness it revolves

Bringing down the walls where you found love - No

I'm willing to break myself

To shake this hell from everything I touch

I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays

So you don't hurt so much

Now I'm static

As your sky is turning purple and gray

I'm learning that the further that I crawl

The further that I fall - is that OK - No

And you're in pieces 

As your world becomes a rainstorm

You've got no shelter - I'm a thousand miles away

If you survive the day you say

Say you're leaving

You say your leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself

To shake this hell from everything I touch

I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays

So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again - will we fire this gun -

Never again - you're the only one

Never again - but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself

I'm not afraid

I'm willing to break myself

I'm not afraid

I'm willing to break myself

I'm not afraid

I'm willing to break myself

To shake this hell from everything I touch

I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays

So you don't hurt so much

So much

So much

So much

So much

Still waiting...

Life needs to stop being so damn complicated. I'm getting sick of it. Fake everything.
Apparently being "best friends" doesn't count for shit with anyone anymore. Why did I waste so much of my life with you two. I got nothing in return. Why in the fuck do I even bother anymore.... I don't get it.

Hold my head inside your hands

I need someone who understands 

I need someone, someone who hears

For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come

Until my day, my day is done

And say you'll come and set me free

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

I'm still waiting for that person...

The Surface Shines, While The Inside Rots.

"I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug" Yet another line running through my head recently. I miss her. I feel I did so much for her but she never really cared, for her to pass me off that easily?I'll never understand. Life needs to stop being so difficult. "Maybe we've outgrown all the things we once loved"

People need to let me be who I wanna be, I'm sick of faking things. I'm becoming, or rather I became, the thing I loathe which is to be something I'm not. In the search of trying to be different, to stand out, to not fit in, I became like a huge majority of people. One more mission failed. I don't even know who I am half the time. "The surface shines while the inside rots"

Even though I have a bunch of good friends, I never feel like I fit in with any of them. I guess with everything that has happened this year it makes sense. I wish things could change. "A show of hands from this audience of one..."

What I learned While On Vacation

1) When you're 1000 feet in the air, it is deathly quiet up there.
2) I am still able to fall asleep in the shower standing up.
3) No matter how much exposure to the sun I get, my burn will heal over night (because I'm a genius)
4) Silk boxers are absolutely worth $10 a pair.
5) Vanilla Coke is still the best beverage to date
6) Rapping with asians is a load of fun.. even at 1 in the morning.
7) Old man, just because you wear speedos at the beach does not mean it will blot out your pale, pale skin, your bald head, big stomach and pimp-walk to the ladies. As a matter of fact it makes people laugh at you.
8) Pigeons are the stupidest bird in the world
9) Jellyfish don't hurt as much as people think. Although I'm still getting random seconds of numbness and total uselessness in my hands, it isn't that bad considering how long it was tangled in there for.
10) USA has some of the worst drivers in the world
11) Dodge Journey is the worst vehicle for 5 people and luggage. My prayers go out to anyone above 5'5" tall who gets stuck in the back seat
12) I can infact get a tan
13) Trailer Park Boys is a great way to pass the time during a 14 hour car ride.
14) You're never too far away from friends
15) While on the serving table: If it smells bad and looks disgusting chances are it won't taste that good
16) Fat people will make fun of other fat people- even if they don't know them
17) Hottubs are heaven
18) I passed for 18 in America
19) Pale girls (and some tanned ones, might I add)  check out pale guys
20) There is no place like my mancave
21) The Nacho plate is Taco Bell's version of Jenga. If you pull the wrong chip out your hand gets covered in either tomato, sour cream, beans, meat, or a combination of everything

So...

I still can't believe this is happening. She's been ignoring me for days. I don't know why she is, I didn't do anything.. well I was too "logical" and not sympathetic enough. Whatever the heck that's supposed to mean, I was trying to be helpful. Nothing is making sense. What a great way to spend a vacation, pissed off and confused. Apparently I used to be the highlight of her day now I'm "bringing her down with these conversations so I'm not gonna talk to you tonight."I'm done with relationships, they never work out anyways. No one ever seems to be there for me when I absolutely need someone. Just seems to be my life. This living without feelings is sort of working though.

Recent opinions

"The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. 

On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, 

every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. 

Thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, 

every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every hero and coward, 

every creator and destroyer of civilization, 

every saint and sinner in the history of our species, 

think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, 

in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. 

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, 

the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, 

are challenged by this point of pale light, 

and underscores our responsibility and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot. "

This statement has been running through my mind a lot lately. Thinking about how stupid people are, thinking they are better than other people. It's true, we do imagine that we have self-importance. And we die anyways. Same as the people we think we're better than. We spill so much blood for what? A transitory victory, that when we die, is forgotten. There is no point to any of it.  

I'm saying this while going into the Army... that makes a lot of sense. Fighting in a war I don't really believe in, I don't even understand it. But it's something I think I'm called to do, after the daydreams/hallucinations stopped [which were basically about me getting killed... every. single. time.] I still want to do it. It's to prove something to myself and to send a big "f-you" to the people who said I was worthless, I could never do anything, and I should just go kill myself. I am going to make something of myself with this temporary life on the pale blue dot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DboMAghWcA&feature=av2e

Another night without sleep... oh how I love my life.

Good song to listen to while sleeping.
It's called Ruthless by Something Corporate.
I'd put what the meaning of the song is, but I'd rather leave it open for you to decide.

This is the only lonely picture

Waiting on my floor

Littering my shore

This is the last true burning letter

Given to a girl

Written by a boy

Living in a world created to destroy

But if I built you a city, would you let me?

Would you tear it down?

But there you go for the last time

I finally know now what I should have known then

And I could still be ruthless if you'll let me

But there you go and I'm not done

You're waving goodbye, well at least you're having fun

The rising tide will not let you forget me

Forget me

And this is your ghost that kneels before me

Razors on her tongue, a body full of oxygen

It wont be the last time she'll ignore me

The thinning of my skin, without the strength to go

The winter's setting in, to cover you in snow

But if I built you a city, would you let me?

Would you tear it down?

But there you go for the last time

I finally know now what I should have known then

And I could still be ruthless if you'll let me

But there you go and I'm not done

You're waving goodbye, well at least you're having fun

The rising tide will not let you forget me

Forget me

Forget me

Forget me, yeah

And Il'l raise towers and Climb them

Rivers and walk them

Oceans to drown in

You won't make a sound in

But there you go for the last time

I finally know now what I should have known then

And I could still be ruthless if you'll let me

But there you go and I'm not done

You're waving goodbye, well at least you're having fun

The rising tide will not let you forget me

Forget me

Yeah, so I'm not sure why people want to read my thoughts, they'll go blind.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this... some crazy blonde haired girl that I know said she wouldn't mind reading my thoughts, so I may as well give it a try.

This blonde haired girl, she's pretty cool I guess. She's a good friend and I can trust her with anything; at least I'd like to think so. I don't really need to many words to describe her, she's quirky, strange, funny and she's someone who cares... yeah, people should meet her.

Things that have made my summer not so great? There's a list that could go on for awhile. My parents making me get a haircut, which turned into getting attacked by clippers. My best friends moving.. that really sucks. One friend is going off to North Carolina, the other downtown Toronto. I hope it doesn't turn out like my old Keswick friends who, one day, decided they never wanted to talk to me again. I haven't said a word to them in two years... one friend I sent an inbox on Facebook and they changed their status to "it only takes a small thing to remind me of the bad times." Not the greatest feel-good moment. Safe to say they ignored it.

And I think this is enough thoughts for now. I'm saving some incase I ever need them.

P.S.  Just throwing this out there that I'm probably not going to write on this everyday, I'm too busy wearing out my brand new guitar strings. That has to be a highlight of the summer,  getting my Augustine Blue. Best guitar strings ever.